Empty Places
by dufflecoat-supreme
Summary: Carter and Kem have eloped, effectively railroading any possible hope for Abby...or has it?
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This was another one of my 'What if' days. I started this and never actually got aroudnt o finishing it, hoping that rereading and re-editing the whole thing will give me some inspiration.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

**_Empty Places_**

Chapter 1.

She was dying for a cigarette.

It was 7 in the morning and all she wanted to do was wrap her lips around the paper, feel the smoke drift down her throat and escape her lips.

"Hey," said a voice from behind her.

Abby turned around, smiling lethargically, "Hey,"

"Looks like it's going to be nice day," Susan commented, staring up at the morning sun.

Abby laughed fleetingly, rolled her eyes, "Great day, _beautiful day,_ the best day ever," she said sarcastically.

Susan smiled sympathetically, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Abby sighed, "Not really,"

Susan nodded, "Okay, just coming out warn you, we've got a double MVA coming, car vs. pedestrian, ETA 3 minutes."

"Best day ever," she said in a sing song voice, Susan laughed and went back inside, punching Carter in the arm as she walked by.

"Ow, what was that for?" he said, running to catch up to her angry stride.

"Thanks for your oh-so subtle announcement this morning, really made an impression," she said acerbically.

"What?" he said, stopping in his tracks, hands raised questioningly.

"You're an ass," she said, pushing through the doors of trauma 2.

"What'd I do?" he asked to no one in particular, Susan exited Trauma 2, rounding on Carter again.

"Gee, I wonder..." she started, her tone mocking, "could be that you left Abby roughly 7 months ago, wrote her a letter, and by the way, you're not in high school any more, you don't write a note to say you're dumping someone, juvenile," she muttered, _then_ you come back 8 weeks after you dump her, with a pregnant girlfriend, please, can we say 'mourning period', you can't obviously," she muttered again.

"Susan, is there a point to this?" he asked, somewhat bemused.

"The point is you show up this morning, announcing your elopement, which wasn't hasty at all, to afore mentioned girlfriend, and expect Abby to be okay with this?"

"This about Abby?" he asked, unsure.

"Yeah, this is about Abby, you could have told her, you know, shown a little respect," she chided.

"I wasn't really thinking about her," he said, half grudgingly, half apologetically.

"Yeah, well you are as dumb as you look," she grumbled, scrubbing her name off the board.

"Should I go talk to her?"

"Sure, I haven't seen you get chewed out in awhile, I'm looking for a little comedy,"

"Ah,"

"Yeah, and Carter," she called out as she walked back out to the ambulance bay, he looked up ay her, "Congratulations," she smiled.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled back, "Thanks."

The wail of sirens began to get louder, Carter prepared himself near the door, waiting for the arrival, Susan and Abby burst through the doors, with EMT's and a couple of gurneys.

"What have we got?" Carter asked as he took control of one the gurneys, helping to push it to trauma 2, listening as they gave him the bullet.

"27 year old male, head trauma, suspected broken leg, Pulse is 90, B.P is 110/90, weak resps, barely a 6. Two IV's and 7 litres of blood, he crashed on the way here, but we got a pulse back. History of heart failure"

"This the driver or the pedestrian?" Carter asked.

"Driver,"

Susan barked out orders, "Carter, Abby, you two take him, Pratt, Neela, you're with me,"

The pushed him into the trauma room, Carter took control of the situation, "Okay, on my count, 1, 2, 3" they lifted him onto the bed, Chuny and Sam, flanking their side.

"Okay, no grey matter, just a laceration, order a CBC, EKG, sonogram and x-ray for his leg, Abby...intubate him," he ordered.

"Pulse ox is 65," Sam reported.

"Got it!" Abby announced.

"He's down!" Lydia shouted, above the scream of the machine.

"Crash cart!" Abby yelled, grabbing the paddles, "Charge to 200! Clear!"

"IV push 20 mgs of TPA," Carter ordered.

"Nothing,"

"Charge to 250! Clear!"

"We've got rhythm!" Lydia announced, "Pulse is 70, but he's stabilising,"

Carter breathed a sigh of relief, "Okay, let's see if we can't stem this bleeding,"

"Any internal bleeding?" Carter asked, looking to Abby as she studied the sonogram.

"Nope, minor cuts and bruises. He got lucky, though surgery will have to take a look at his leg...he might lose it"

Carter nodded, satisfied and proud, "Nice work, Dr Lockhart,"

"Surgery's here!" came Corday's familiar bark, they lifted him onto the gurney, and she grabbed hold of him.

Carter looked to Abby to present, she took a deep breath then rattled off the information needed.

"BP is 100/65, resps are 12. Minor lacerations and contusions, compound fracture of the left femur. He's got congenital heart disease, 20mgs of TPA, shocked and stabilised," she finished breathlessly.

Corday nodded, and exited the room.

"Well done," he said.

She gave him a false smile and left the room, tossing her gloves and apron in the trash.

"Best day ever," she muttered.

Abby stood on the over crowded train, staring mindlessly out at the people, going home to an empty house_. Empty places_ she thought, seemed to be all that was left in her life.

She had thought about buying a cat, but then remembered that she had killed a lot of goldfish in her time, and maybe no living thing deserved her wrath.

She pushed open the door to her apartment, collapsing on the couch.

It had been one of those days.

She changed into something more comfortable, taking a single serve frozen meal from her freezer.

Sighing and staring off mindlessly into space. She thought about the day's events.

Carter walked into Admit, glowing with nervous pride and energy, vibrating with barely controlled excitement, Abby felt a sense of relief, seeing him happy, seeing him smile for the first time after losing his son.

"_You gonna tell us what's happening, Carter, or are we going to have to guess?" Haleh asked._

_He smiled broadly, wringing his hands, "Ahhhh,"_

"_Oh come on, spill it Carter," Lydia smiled._

"_Well, Kem and I, got married, today, this morning, we eloped," he announced._

_Haleh, Lydia, Chuny, Malik, Jerry and Randi, rushed forward to congratulate him_.

_Susan and Abby stood at the back, shocked. Susan looked at Abby._

"_Ah, did he just say what I thought he said?" Susan asked Abby._

"_Yeah, I believe he did," Abby replied, shell shocked._

"_Huh," Susan commented._

"_Yeah."_

"_Guess we better go say something."_

"_Yeah."_

_Abby and Susan moved through the excited crowd._

_Susan hugged Carter, "Well...good for you," she said quickly, flashing him a smile._

"_Thanks,"_

_He looked down to see Abby, standing nervously before him, he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her._

"_Congratulations," she whispered into his ear, planting a kiss on his cheek._

"_Thanks" he replied, warmly hugging her._

_She broke away, smiling timidly at him, before making her excuses to go_.

She knew that she and Carter were over, she knew it because she was sitting here, alone, eating a frozen meal for one, it's just that she hadn't had time to deal with it and now...marriage was so final.

She took a sip of soda and tried to think about other things, made up excuses as to why she was feeling this way.

It was just because she was lonely.

It was because she hadn't had time to deal with their break up.

It was because she had no life now that he was out of hers.

It was because she still loved him.

She still loved him, she knew it, and now it felt as if she was lost, no chance and no hope of ever getting back together.

She cursed herself for all the mistakes she'd made with him, she had pushed him away, never let him in, never gave back what he needed.

She sat alone her apartment, which now seemed to bubble with memories of him.

"Hello Mrs Carter," Carter said, wrapping his arms around Kem.

She smiled into his chest, "I missed you today," she whispered.

"I know, it's a bad way to spend our honeymoon, how can I make it up to you?" he teased.

"You can make me dinner, I'm starving,"

"Haven't you eaten?" he asked.

"I've been busy all day, had to call to make some arrangements, you know, about the clinic,"

He looked down at her, concern filled his face, "You should be eating, you know, you're still weak,"

She narrowed her eyes, "I'm not a baby, John,"

"Fine," he replied, irritation creeping into his voice, "just try to eat, okay,"

"I will," she replied, a smile sneaking onto her face, "Now, about making it up to me..." she said seductively.

He laughed and picked her up in his arms, carrying her upstairs.

"John!" she giggled.

"I love you," he whispered, placing her lightly on the bed.

She reached a hand up to his face, stroking his cheek, "I love you too."

It had been hard for them, difficult to lose a child, their first child, Kem had been distant and cold in the weeks afterwards, and it seemed nothing he said could reach her, he had desperately tried to get across to her, finally and frantically proposing to her, he remembered her saying yes, his surprise, his relief, his joy and his concern...the little voice in the back of his head that told him that it wasn't right, that it was too soon, too fast, too rushed, maybe they were both clinging onto something that didn't exist anymore, but all his doubts were pushed the back of his mind...he had just wanted to be happy.

Lying in bed, he was staring at the ceiling, listening to Kem's steady breathing, he couldn't get to sleep himself, he'd come to loathe sleep, even fear it...when ever his life took a turn for the tragic he could always count on the nightmares...so he didn't sleep, or at least he didn't sleep often.

And at 11:56 strange thoughts always seemed to creep into his mind, skulking about.

He thought about Abby, thought about how a year ago he would have given anything to marry her, how 3 years ago he would have been chasing her, thinking about her non stop, they'd gone from student/teacher, to best friends, to lovers, to...nothing. It was like they hardly knew each other nowadays.

He missed the conversations he used to have with her, he missed the moments when she would say what she was feeling, what she was thinking, laying in bed, late at night, early in the morning; he loved her husky voice, the coy look on her face when she would tease him.

It almost brought a smile to his face to think of all the good times they'd had together...it was almost easy to forget the bad. He made up his mind to try to talk to Abby, maybe they could...be friends, he thought lamely, he rolled onto his side, Kem snuggled in his arms, and just hoped it would all work out tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey Malik," Abby said as she sauntered in.

"Morning Abby," he said, briefly looking up from his work.

She headed for the lockers, still yawning with lost sleep.

"Late night?" asked someone from within the room, she turned to see Carter standing by his locker, throwing his coat around his shoulders.

"Ah, yeah," Abby replied, opening her own locker.

"No rest for the wicked, huh," he joked lamely.

She nodded and looked at him strangely, "Yep," she replied, closing her locker and starting out of the room.

"Idiot," he murmured to himself, "Abby, wait," he called, rushing towards her.

She turned to look at him suspiciously, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you in a more...respectful way, I just wasn't thinking," he said honestly.

She smiled up at him, almost laughing at the sincere look on his face, "Carter, it's fine, you obviously had other things on your mind, I'm happy for you. _Really_." she told him.

He ran a hand through his hair, relieved, "I was just so worried I'd offended you, I know I haven't exactly been terribly subtle or understanding about a lot of things, and you know, you have to tell me when I'm doing something wrong, because I really don't have a clue," he kidded.

"Susan tells you for me. And everyone else. She's like the town crier," she smiled, "So, how's married life treating you?"

He groaned and smiled slyly, "Haven't really experienced that much of it, yet, I'll get back to you on that one,"

"But so far..." she urged.

"So far, so good," he replied confidently.

"And how have you been?" she asked, remembering the incident not so long ago where Carter had come into work drunk.

"Ah, better, I guess, I mean, it's not easy, but...I've been through a lot, I can make it. I've got to," he finished sadly.

"You still going to meetings?" she enquired, knowing that this was a touchy subject for him.

"Yeah, a couple...Kem doesn't really understand why I have to go to them still, now that I'm 'cured', as she puts it," he replied, a weary smile on her face.

"Did you explain, the 'once and addict, always and an addict' thing?" Abby asked.

"Yes and no, she doesn't really know the extent of my addiction, I only mentioned it in passing when trying to explain why I went to the Congo,"

"Ah, think maybe you should tell her?"

"Probably," he smiled, "No way out now, she has to love, honour _and_ obey me,"

Abby snorted, "Yeah, right."

Carter smiled, he opened the door and gestured for her to exit through it, "So what about you, Dr Lockhart?" he asked kindly.

"Urgh, would you not call me that...it gives me the creeps," she joked and he laughed, "and I'm good, not living a double life in the ER anymore, not so exhausted...feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to do, not smoking, not drinking...it's a good feeling."

"I really am proud of you," he said.

"Thanks, _dad_" she said.

"That's my girl," he teased and she just rolled her eyes.

"Hey, you two going to do some work?" Frank snapped.

Abby looked Carter, her eyes wearily humoured, "Sure, just as soon as you do Frank,"

"See you around," Carter said, picking up a chart and walking off in the other direction.

"I see you two made up," Susan said, veering from around the corner.

"Yeah, I didn't know you were on today," Abby asked, confused.

"Morris called in sick again, it's only a split shift," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Somebody ought to tell him about the boy who cried wolf," Abby replied.

"Or we could just set a wolf on him," Susan suggested with mock innocence.

Abby laughed and grabbed a chart, "At least it's a slow Monday,"

"Yeah."

"Why don't we catch lunch, go to Ike's, its all the rage," Abby recommended.

"Sure, bring our newly married friend along too, I want to make him blush."

Abby laughed, "Sure, okay."

Abby walked off the exam room 2.

"Hello, Mr Lawson, I'm Dr Lockhart, I'll be doing your sutures. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Making lunch this morning, carving up last night's lamb, knife slipped, I guess, hurt's like hell,"

"Well, we'll just give you a local to numb it, are you allergic to any painkillers?"

"Nope,"

"Good, I'll just get started then."

It was a simple procedure, typical of a Monday morning, minor lacerations, kids' faking sick, and too-hard partiers.

She felt content, feeling like she had resolved something with Carter...secretly pleased that he thought about her, that he still required her respect and opinions, and her friendship, it was nice to know that she wasn't redundant in his life, after all, she knew him, and understood him better than anyone else, been through a lot with him. She liked to think she had been there for him, but she knew that wasn't always the case, she knew he could have done so much more for him. At the very least she could have shown her appreciation of his support, it seemed never ending and she had taken it for granted.

But perhaps it had all turned out for the best. His leaving her had motivated her to enrol back in medical school, one of the best decisions of her life, she just hated to think that so much good had come out of so much bad.

She had tried to change herself for him, become a better person; she stopped her smoking, and hadn't even felt the need for a drink in a year, but she had still lost him, possibly one of the best things that ever happened to her. She had desperately sought his approval, though he didn't know it, she had been ashamed to see the disgust in his eyes, but it seemed that it was too little too late.

But at the very least, they could be friends, and maybe that was enough.

She worried about him now, more than ever, she had seen the look of despair and hopelessness on his face after she and Luka had gone to visit him when his son had been born stillborn...at that time, nothing had mattered except him, she knew what it was like to lose a child...but nothing like Carter had experienced, she hadn't wanted her child, Carter had, Carter had wanted this child so bad, and he'd never seen it coming. It must have been the most awful of shocks. She didn't dare to imagine, but she wanted to make him feel better, get through it, cope.

She had been working for almost 4 hours, there had been a couple of cardiac arrests, but nothing too serious or stressing, just enough work to keep her on her feet, preoccupied.

She ran into Carter in X-Ray.

"Hey, Carter, me and Susan are going to grab something for lunch at Ike's, want to join us?" she suggested casually.

"Sure," he looked at his watch, "I have a break in half an hour, that okay?"

"Great, meet you in the ambulance bay," she said, pushing open the door, leaving Carter to study his x-rays.

Half an hour later, Abby and Susan were standing in the ambulance, awaiting their tardy friend, he ran out the doors.

"Sorry, sorry, Mrs Travers wanted a full pelvic exam..."

Susan and Abby laughed, "What was wrong with her?" Abby asked.

"High sex drive," he frowned.

Susan Abby giggled, "Yeah, she's a frequent flyer, I sent her your way, just for fun," Susan admitted.

"Thanks," He grumbled.

"Well, I had to test your faithfulness, throwing a fine catch like Mrs Travers your way..." she teased.

"Can we just go to lunch?" He asked, a blush rising in his cheeks and a shy grin on his face.

Susan stopped laughing hysterically and grabbed Carter's arm, walking towards Ike's. Abby crossed her arms and followed, listening to Susan continue.

"We have to be cruel to kind Carter, this jovial teasing is because we love you,"

"Well, I thankyou for your love, I can see, just how much you care, please don't strain yourself showing your affection for me," he said sarcastically.

"Oh, Carter, I must show you how I feel, however will you know?"

"I'll just have to go with my instincts," he said.

"Don't do that! You'll never get it!"

Abby stood in the background, listening to the cheerful banter, s secret smile on her face.

"Abby, come up here and tell our recently married friend, the benefits of marriage," Susan invited.

"You're asking the wrong person," she said slowly.

"Or maybe the right one..." Susan said cryptically, Carter and Abby looked at each other, confused.

"Come on kids, let's eat, I'm starving!" Susan said, pushing forward into Ike's.

"Is she hyper?" Abby asked.

"Baby thing," Carter observed, Abby looked up at him, bewildered.

"I can say 'baby', I can think about them, hold them and treat them too, Abby, don't worry so much," he said, hoping that he'd kept the bitterness in his tone to a bare minimum.

She nodded and they followed Susan, taking a booth in a dark corner.

"I miss Doc's" Carter commented.

"Hey, we all do, but right now, I don't care, I haven't eaten since yesterday," Susan replied.

Carter and Abby shook their heads, "What?" she asked them incredulously.

"Nothing," they replied at the same time.

Lunch was filled with good conversation, nostalgia for the past, Susan told Abby about the time that Carter did his first full moon, Saturday night, and how afterwards he had requested "Twist and Shout" on the radio, dancing with her and Carol.

"I hope his dancing has improved since then," Susan said dryly.

"Nope, still got two left feet," Abby said, a twinkle in her eye.

"Hey, in my defence..." he started, "no, I've got nothing," he laughed. It felt good to laugh, to think about times that were much simpler, like when the heaviest thing weighing on his mind was if Benton was going to go home ever.

Carter laughed and joked and smiled like he was okay, but he knew that he was just holding on, teetering on the edge of disaster, but he could pretend that his life was fine, that he could see clearly, that he wasn't so confused about himself and his life, his wife...he didn't know if he was doing it right, there weren't any guidelines, not sure if he wasn't just piling mistake upon mistake.

"Oh, damn," Susan said as her baby beeper went off, "I've got to split, my shift ended like 20 minutes ago and I've..." she paused, "got to get home," she finished apologetically, grabbing her things and rushing outside.

"See you guys tomorrow!" she shouted as she exited the room.

Abby and Carter sat there uncomfortably for a while, fixed smiles on their faces.

Carter looked down at his hands, "I wish people would stop being so careful around me," he said tiredly.

"They're just worried," Abby said sympathetically.

"I know, I know they are, I mean, my previous attempts to deal with stress aren't exactly going to assure people, but...I have actually learned from my past," he said softly.

Abby reached her hand across the table, taking his hand in hers, "We all just want to see you through this, everybody in that ER cares about you, and we know you're strong, that you can do this...we just don't want you to do it alone," she said kindly.

Carter intertwined his fingers with her own, staring in to her eyes gratefully. They suddenly noticed the contact and drew away from each other.

"Guess we'd better get back, huh?" Abby said, flustered.

They picked themselves up, walking back to the ER silently, each lost in thought.

Guilt. He felt as if he had betrayed Kem, in that simple act of consolation, he felt somehow that he had betrayed his marriage vows.

He buried his face in his hands, sitting on the couch, took a deep breath and swallowed.

It was nothing; she just wanted to be kind, just wanted to help, a friendly gesture that had sent him spiralling.

Perhaps it was just a consequence of his fractured state, yeah, that must be it: his confusion was stemming from his pain, his grasp on reality seemingly slipping away, he was reaching for something to hold on to and Abby's touch was so familiar and comfortable to him that for a moment he had been lost.

Yeah. That was it.

Tiredly he went upstairs, crawling into bed with his wife, trying to push away the nagging feeling that he'd done something wrong.

His arms wrapped around Kem, he assured himself that this was the woman he loved. He would not betray her; he loved her. They had been through so much together, lost so much together and he needed her. She needed him.

It was just a moment, a millisecond of weakness, and he swore he would not feel it again.

Abby didn't know what to think, didn't know if what she'd felt had been feigned, a figment of her over-hyped imagination.

She had felt awkward and uncomfortable, flustered and embarrassed, knowing that something had been crossed...even if it had only been in her mind. _He was a married man_, she reminded herself and as much as she missed him, missed being with him...she was her own woman and she had to accept that he was married, that he didn't love her anymore, that anything she might have felt, was residual, from an unresolved break up, that was all.

She was tired of regret, she had so much going for her that there was no point wasting on her past. No time for self pity, it would be hard, but it seemed to be the story of her life, she would get over it.

2 months passed, 2 months of polite, inconsequential words, they remained acquaintances, friends in each other's blind spots, and it was killing them, it was hard to keep a charade for so long. But they did it, every day they worked side-by-side, restrained, talking but never listening.

Until one day in April...


End file.
